{ireallydo

2012-01-28T09:23:00.001-08:00

Why have I accepted the status quo. Why am I so easily satisfied. Where has everything gone to

2012-01-24T08:21:00.001-08:00

My heart is in a mess. My mind can't handle the stress. All I can do is lie in bed trying so hard to get some rest. But something feels stuck in my chest. I try to take in a deep breath. While I listen to my heart confess.

2012-01-24T08:15:00.001-08:00

I feel like I let too many people down. For all the hopes they had in me, I've disappointed too many people. I threw all their hopes and faith in me away, because I was too afraid. Because I felt I couldn't do it, all I wanted to do, all they believed I could do.
I let too many people down, because of my weaknesses. I wanted to give up too many times, I broke down and cried too many times, I did nothing but gave people disappointment, all too many times.
These people should never have trusted me with their faith because in the end all I did was break it and throw it all away.

2012-01-20T09:10:00.001-08:00

Hahaha so my drawings are uglier than the original pictures already are lol

2012-01-20T04:57:00.001-08:00

I don't want to spend a moment with you, not a single moment, because you never listen or gave me respect. And I don't know if you know this, but I'm not a possession, at least not yours.

2012-01-18T03:38:00.001-08:00

I wish you'd know you're not the only one exhausted and close to giving up. I wish you knew I want to cry too.
I wish you'd appreciate it when I talk to you because when I don't you say we're like strangers.

2012-01-13T03:00:00.001-08:00

Like being shot, my mind is gone, even if I'm smiling I'm just smiling, memories seem so stupid, it doesn't even hurt, living feels so weird.

2012-01-12T05:38:00.001-08:00

你知不知道?

2012-01-09T02:59:00.001-08:00

Why do you always make me feel inferior, like there's something I'm always missing. Like I'm so lacking.

2012-01-05T08:02:00.001-08:00

Why do I get tired so easily

2012-01-03T04:17:00.000-08:00

isn't it sad, how i suddenly want to just take a look at my grandpa, yet i don't have a single photo?

Goodbyes, they always hurt. No matter how many you go through.

I remember how I was pushed away, and told to walk away without looking back, that it was necessary to say goodbye without turning back, no matter how much I wanted to, no matter how much my heart wanted to.

watching

2012-01-03T04:06:00.000-08:00

Not a single word is needed.
I’m standing here like a broken clock.
My eyes cannot hide the pain.

I’ll always have you in my heart.
It hasn’t changed for a moment.
No matter what happens, I can’t push you out of my heart.

Even without your promise in return,
I will still wait for you.

Gazing at the place where you had left me.
Gazing, even though there’s no chance that you will be back.
It’s the only thing I can do for a love that is so exhausting.
I dare not think of forgetting you even for just a second.

I opened the door and felt that you were there.
I seemed to hear your soft footsteps.
I woke up many times at night thinking of you.
I could do nothing without breaking into tears.
I was afraid to face the day.

Gazing at the place where you had left me.
Gazing, even though there’s no chance that you will be back.
It’s the only thing I can do for a love that is so exhausting.
I dare not think of forgetting you even for just a second.

With a burning heart and parched lips.
Unable to control myself, I called your name again and again.
I know this is the only name that will reside in my heavily scarred memory.

This is all I can do. The pain is so bitter.
I dare not think of letting you slip away from my memory.
I didn’t know I was undeserving of the brief love with you.
I pretended that I didn’t know. I felt such misery that I cried.

you are so beautiful

2012-01-03T03:20:00.000-08:00

I am crying right now while looking at your eyes
I am crying looking into your heart
I want to hold you
in your bitter smile forcing yourself to be bright
Like a fool, your beautiful dreams and clumsiness

Day by day images of you create good memories
I remember your delicate hands to your tousled hair

You are so beautiful
it washes in, seeps in, closes into my heart
even your spreading wounds

You are so wonderful
your painful love and your tears wipe away my painful wounds
I love you I love you

Now I want to embrace you
Who were wandering at the end of this cold world alone
Day by day I hope my love comforts your heart
Hold my memories in your broken heart

You are so beautiful
it washes in, seeps in, closes into my heart
even your spreading wounds

You are so wonderful
your painful love and your tears wipe away my painful wounds
I love you I love you

For even a second, don't forget
Remember how much, how much we loved remember
for you

You are so beautiful
it washes in, seeps in, closes into my heart
even your spreading wounds

You are so wonderful
your painful love and your tears wipe away my painful wounds
I love you I love you

I want to live by memories of you

2012-01-03T02:58:00.000-08:00

So I'm the idiot, I'm the stupid one. And no one gives a shit.

2012-01-03T02:51:00.001-08:00

我是不是很没用？是不是很可笑？很白痴？

2011-12-26T20:43:00.001-08:00

Well if that's really what you think, we can all stop this, get away from each other and live our own lives. Maybe you never really wanted to care anyway.

2011-12-24T22:06:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I wished I was dying, so I could know how to live.

2011-12-23T05:22:00.001-08:00

Are those words that easily said that you didn't think there was even a need to think before saying them?

Or perhaps you didn't care how I would have felt?

Or perhaps, you hate me?

I don't understand myself sometimes. Why I even bother feeling hurt by you.
Why I even bother to listen.
Why I even bother to cry.

2011-12-19T21:33:00.001-08:00

Well if you never knew...
I just want you to know I'll always be here if you need it.

2011-12-16T21:57:00.001-08:00

HAHAHA the ring broke the train door

2011-12-15T02:32:00.001-08:00

Now don't tell me that tomorrow will come, because I've lost faith in tomorrow too.

2011-12-15T01:47:00.001-08:00

It's so hard, so hard.

가끔,

2011-12-14T00:14:00.001-08:00

미치도록 살아야돼

2011-12-13T19:13:00.001-08:00

어떡하죠 .. 자꾸 그대만 보여요.
어떡하죠 .. 그댈 사랑하는 것같아

2011-12-13T19:09:00.001-08:00

You drive me crazy, just the mere sight of you.
You leave me insane, just the mere thought of you.

2011-12-13T02:38:00.001-08:00

참 많이 힘들었죠, 참 많이 기다렸죠.
슬퍼도 아무도 몰라.

2011-12-13T02:32:00.001-08:00

너 생각만해 잘 살지 못해. 못해, 못해.
너만 자꾸 볼수있다.

2011-12-02T07:48:00.001-08:00

There's much more on my mind than you think

2011-11-25T18:34:00.001-08:00

I remember so clearly, how much pain I was in, when I was comforting you that time. To have to comfort you when I was in a much worse state than you. To have to keep everything to myself like I've always did. Why does it always happen to me.

2011-11-24T06:45:00.001-08:00

I'm losing faith, I'm losing hope. I'm losing motivation, determination, willpower. I'm losing myself I'm losing everything. I'm going crazy. I'm so close to giving up.

But who knows. Who cares. Who understands.

And the people who keep telling me it's alright, it's ok, I know they are lying. It obviously isn't. Nothing is. We all know it.

The power of sleep

2011-11-19T19:08:00.001-08:00

2011-11-19T09:07:00.001-08:00

Feel like I got no more strength to carry on

2011-11-19T08:56:00.001-08:00

Right now I'm really wishing someone will just stab me through my heart.

왜,또? 왜이러니? 죽고싶어, 어려워, 너무 힘들어...

2011-11-19T08:54:00.001-08:00

I hate it when I'm trying to tell you something I'm trying to talk and all you do is brush everything aside like they don't mean shit. I detest it when I'm trying my best to communicate and you can't seem to give fuck.
Well maybe I'm not important enough for you to care. Then stop pretending like you do and asking me to talk because every single time I talk you're not listening.

2011-11-19T08:39:00.001-08:00

For doing something no one will ever understand, I need a lot of strength, discipline, control. A lot more than just having faith.

2011-11-16T23:39:00.001-08:00

你们这些人，永远不会知道我心里有多难受。你们这些人，也不会去理会我心里面的感受。

朋友家人在身边，但是还是觉得寂寞，似乎一向来都是自己一个人生活。这种感觉，怎么甩也甩不掉。这种感觉，你们了解，明白吗？

好辛苦，好无助，好无奈。。。心里就一直刺刺的在痛。就由它去痛吧。

사람들이 내 마음은 얼마 아파도 모르겠다. 너무 슬퍼도, 너무 힘들어도, 울고 싶어도, 미칠것같아도...
누가 알아요?
이 세상, 누가 있어? 아무 사람도 없어.

친구들이 내 옆에 있기는 하지만, 난 항상 혼자였어.

아파, 아파. 계속 아파... 도와줘 제발

Help

2011-11-16T23:33:00.001-08:00

I asked for help. For the first time in my life I asked for you to help me help myself.

And all you said was I have to depend on myself. I have to do things myself, I have to go through everything myself.

I asked for help, finally. It took me so much courage, so much time... But you rejected me.

So what am I supposed to do now?

I never wanna ask for help again.

2011-11-09T21:26:00.000-08:00

I really love my grandma. Even though the times I see her can be counted I really wish I can tell her I love her.
It hurts so bad to know that she is suffering and in silence because she doesn't want anyone to worry.
And it sucks to feel so helpless even though I wish there was something I could do for her.

2011-11-07T06:13:00.003-08:00

You wouldn't listen, you never did. You don't care, you never will.

2011-11-07T06:13:00.001-08:00

I wanna smash every single thing in my sight now

2011-11-07T03:12:00.001-08:00

Someone on twitter: I hate it when I'm on holiday and I'm having flu.

And I'm like: I hate it when people are having holiday and I'm having school.

WEAK.

2011-11-06T07:44:00.001-08:00

2011-11-06T07:41:00.001-08:00

Tonight let me waste my time, curl up in a corner and fall asleep crying.

2011-11-06T07:32:00.001-08:00

Even with everyone around... I am still alone.

2011-11-06T07:13:00.001-08:00

Omg I hate how I get fucking stressed and depressed over how unproductive I am. I hate how I have to feel guilty for catching up on sleep. I hate how I hate myself for being inefficient.

Just what am I turning into.

I am, once again, extremely upset.

2011-11-03T00:23:00.001-07:00

2011-11-03T00:09:00.000-07:00

publicly showing off about slapping their moms?

It is seriously ridiculous that these people are so proud of themselves despite being in the wrong.

And people who have done it should stop talking like it's alright because they need to know they're wrong and giving them support in such a manner only serves to show them that it's alright to do such things.

"Isn't life about making mistakes and learning them?"

"Doesn't she deserve a second chance?"

"In my opinion, she has her own fair share of burden to start that led her to slapping her mum. "

Yes, life is about making mistakes and learning from them, but obviously these people haven't learnt from their mistakes because if they have, they wouldn't be shamelessly boasting about them as if it was the proudest thing they've ever done in their lives.
Yes, everyone deserves a second chance, but no, these people deserve to be criticized and punished more than they should be given a chance now, because they don't seem to be asking for forgiveness. All they seem to be asking is for attention and popularity, and so there they have it. And since they've gotten what they want maybe it's time for them and others to know to keep such dirty laundry to themselves and maybe reflect and think through carefully if they really want and deserve forgiveness.
Everyone has their days, their points of view, their different ways of thinking, their own disagreements with one another. I have, a lot. And despite the fact that these disagreements don't always end up with conclusions or compromise between people, there are things and times that people should know what and when to do. There are always limits.
And if they don't really care about reflection, maybe they should realize that it's nothing to be proud of and keep such stuff to themselves instead of letting the whole world know and then blame the whole world for criticizing them.
I would have seen this in a completely different light if there was at least a bit of sincerity and remorse from the girls.
Well, I could be wrong, these people might be feeling really sorry and remorseful.

Because it's really alright to make mistakes, but what matters most is reflecting and changing.

2011-11-01T08:50:00.000-07:00

I am waiting for the day
when I am ready to say
everything I kept inside my heart
all the things I felt.

I will wait for the time
the time when I am ready to share
all the silly thoughts of mine
with the people that would care.

I am still waiting
because right now
I'm not ready
I'm not prepared
to show everyone.

When the time comes,
please tell me how I fare.

2011-11-01T08:44:00.000-07:00

I was thinking... What if all I ever wanted to be, despite of everything I ever studied and did, was to be a counsellor, or a firefighter.

choice

2011-11-01T07:28:00.000-07:00

easier said than done

2011-11-01T07:26:00.001-07:00

i think i don't deserve to stop and rest until i do what i'm supposed to do.

why am i so ill-disciplined and unmotivated

2011-11-01T07:22:00.000-07:00

i'm going crazy, really really.

i am doing a useless project where i don't even think the prof will bother finish reading the report
i am attending lectures for a module where i can't catch what the lecturer is saying half off the times
i am taking this module where i can't do well in its tests and exams and the project has taken so much time
i am learning something which i had interest in, but now it seems like the exhaustion has taken over all the interest
i am studying about things i have learnt in the past but somehow it still seems foreign to me

2011-10-30T18:57:00.001-07:00

There's a lot more to what you see

2011-10-28T21:15:00.001-07:00

越想得到就越要学放下

2011-10-28T20:56:00.001-07:00

No one else to blame but myself

2011-10-28T06:33:00.001-07:00

I apologized. But I hope you know that I'm not the only one who should be apologizing.

2011-10-27T04:06:00.001-07:00

The people who say its not about the money and that money doesn't matter, are the people who have abundant of them to not have to worry about surviving.

2011-10-27T04:05:00.001-07:00

People don't know how lucky they are. They always immerse themselves in a self-pitying state, going around telling people how unfortunate they are. It's as if there is a competition and prize to be won for being the most unfortunate and the one who is suffering the most. If we take one look around, there'll probably be at least one person who needs help more than you, who's in a worse state than you. You don't know. You won't know. Or do you not care?

2011-10-25T04:43:00.001-07:00

想哭来试探自己麻痹了没全世界好像只有我疲惫

2011-10-25T04:17:00.001-07:00

I don't know, I really don't know. My disappointment for everything is way beyond what I can explain.

Why is it time and time again I disappoint myself?

Why is it time and time again I let myself down?

Why is it again and again, you let my trust and faith down?

Why is it again and again, you can't seem to trust me?

2011-10-24T05:45:00.001-07:00

Maybe I'm not mature enough, maybe I'm just selfish. 也许我不够成熟或许我太自私

Realization

2011-10-24T05:44:00.001-07:00

It's like a sudden feeling of enlightenment. A sudden feeling that I finally understand something I used to be unable to, no matter how hard I tried.

2011-10-24T05:40:00.001-07:00

Life is not about avoiding the rain, it's about dancing in the rain.

2011-10-22T08:19:00.001-07:00

The things you people don't realize, never cared to give second thought to, actually means a hell lot to me. And you don't know how much it's driving me crazy. You don't know, you have no idea.

2011-10-20T03:40:00.001-07:00

The thing about you is that you never know when to be serious, you never know when I'm not in the mood for your stupid jokes. We may be close and have a lot of fun together but I seriously think you need to be a little more sensitive.

2011-10-19T00:52:00.000-07:00

I realized why it's difficult for me to be grateful. Probably because I forget how lucky I am, and because, from young, I was taught to always compare myself to people better than I am, and not those worse off.

2011-10-18T23:44:00.001-07:00

I look at the Chinese and the stuff they do, and sometimes I feel damn ashamed to be a Chinese, ashamed to condemn the Japanese for cruelty. But I guess in this world there's always both sides of the coin

I wish I could have half of the discipline I had

2011-10-17T22:37:00.001-07:00

Nick Vujicic

2011-10-14T20:05:00.001-07:00

I look at him, and I'm thankful for being able to experience muscle aches in my limbs after hockey trainings, for being able to dance, jump, swim with my limbs. He may have no limbs, but he has big dreams. He has no limbs, but he can practically do everything I can do.

I am ashamed.

I need to constantly remind myself that out there, there are always people worse off than I am.

2011-10-14T10:22:00.000-07:00

it kinda feels good to be thinking positive sometimes. though it's hard to always keep up a positive mindset.

even if we're tired, let's try.

tired.

2011-10-14T10:20:00.001-07:00

i'm tired.
everyone's tired.
who isn't?

Hope lost and found?

2011-10-12T23:53:00.001-07:00

2011-10-12T04:36:00.001-07:00

Disappointment. Yet again.

Idk how I can hate myself every time after making mistakes, yet still make the same mistakes over and over again.

Fear and exhaustion

2011-10-11T19:01:00.001-07:00

We live in them everyday. They're everywhere.

2011-10-11T18:59:00.001-07:00

I think in my whole 20 years of life so far, school has always been the best way to drain all my energy and wear me out.

2011-10-10T19:23:00.001-07:00

F circle line so what if it brings convenience but breaks down every fortnight. Bloody useless and waste of time. They are responsible for the lower productivity of Singapore today. Seriously if they have so many faults maybe they should consider testing it for one more week before they officially put it to use instead of opening it and having it break down every other day and waste shit load of time.

2011-10-09T07:07:00.001-07:00

Feeling extremely frustrated
But my mom is pms-ing at my frustration
I have no idea

Maybe I have gotten used to it

Should I be thankful for this as well

2011-10-08T11:13:00.001-07:00

Tonight, maybe just tonight,
I wanna lay in bed all night,
Keep away from anyone's sight,
And cry with the sky.
Would that be alright?

2011-10-08T10:35:00.001-07:00

Thank you skies for raining so heavily only in the night :)

Trying to remind myself to be thankful for the little things

2011-10-06T02:23:00.001-07:00

perspective

2011-10-06T01:58:00.000-07:00

maybe we need to look at things differently, and be thankful.

a lot of times i forget.

2011-10-05T21:02:00.001-07:00

‎"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary." Steve Jobs

2011-10-05T21:01:00.001-07:00

Bill Gates on Steve Jobs: "The world rarely sees someone who has had the profound impact Steve has had... I will miss Steve immensely."

RIP Steve Jobs

2011-10-05T20:57:00.001-07:00

I am not an Apple fan who is crazy over all Apple products, and I do admit that there are flaws with Apple products.
What millions of people are using right now, are the products of his efforts.
And now every time I pick up my phone for something, I will remind myself, that what I have in my hands, is the fruit of labor from a man so inspiring, so passionate, so amazing, so respectable.
It's hard to describe how one person, just one, can make such big differences and impacts on the world.

2011-10-05T04:50:00.001-07:00

I miss Saturday hockey trainings. And how we always hang around after lunch together, either talking or studying. :/

2011-10-05T03:47:00.000-07:00

Watching about the Hiroshima bombing in Japan that ended World War II makes me think that the Japanese people do not deserve such fate.
But then it was necessary to stop the Japanese military from continuing with their nonsense.
The people have to pay for what the leaders do.

2011-10-05T01:13:00.001-07:00

You know I have my limits too. So don't act like a bitch just cuz I look like I'm ok with it.. Because if you want, I can show you what's bitch.

2011-10-04T04:40:00.001-07:00

i am lacking.

~~lacking in a lot of sleep~~
lacking in a lot of things,
lacking in a lot of ways.

2011-10-02T22:00:00.001-07:00

The little little things build up to make a big difference. I'm thankful for the little little things.

2011-10-02T21:59:00.001-07:00

The little little things build up to make a big difference. I'm thankful for the little little things.

2011-10-02T09:03:00.000-07:00

tired like mad and i am still stressing out over project at this time! :O

feeling likka fruss bitch

2011-10-02T06:22:00.001-07:00

I'm very irritated with how my father is so unwilling to help with anything we ask of him. There has never been a time he does things on his own and even when we ask him of it there's not a thing he does willingly.

Whatever. I wish you would realize someday that when you ask for help no one is going to do as you say with a smile.

2011-10-01T08:24:00.000-07:00

"At the very moment that you begin to think that there is nothing but despair left in the rest of your life, think about hope. In the future, the despair you feel now could become a precious foundation that makes you feel like your life is more precious and valued than anyone else's in the world. And hold the hand of the person next to you. Don’t let the sorrow grow by thinking about your troubles alone in your own world. Ask for help from the person standing next to you"

2011-10-01T08:21:00.000-07:00

sometimes i think about kimjaejoong and kimjunsu and i look at how strong they've managed to stay till now,

and i look at all 5 of them; jungyunho shimchangmin kimjaejoong parkyoochun kimjunsu, and how they've pulled through times so tough in the past,

and i feel ashamed at myself.

i feel like i don't deserve to be weeping and crying and complaining about stuff.

说了再见

2011-10-01T08:13:00.000-07:00

天亮了雨下了你走了
The sky cleared up, the rain fell, and you left
清楚了我愛的遺失了
I understand that my love is now lost
落葉飄在湖面上睡著了
Fallen leaves float across the surface of the lake and are now asleep
想要放放不掉淚在飄
I want to let go but I can’t and the tears linger
你看看你看看看不到
You look and look but you can’t see it
我假裝過去不重要
I pretend that the past isn’t important
卻發現自己辦不到
But I discover that I can’t keep it up

說了再見才發現再也見不到
After saying goodbye I realize I won’t be able to see you anymore
我不能就這樣失去你的微笑
I can’t lose your smile just like this
口紅待在桌腳而你我找不到
Your lipstick is at the foot of the table, yet I can’t find you
若角色對調你説好不好
It seems as if the roles have been switched and it’s you asking if I’m well

說了再見才發現再也見不到
I said goodbye and I realize that I won’t be able to see you anymore
能不能就這樣忍著痛淚不掉
Can I tearlessly bear my pain like this?
說好陪我到老又狠往哪裏走
You promised to accompany me to old age – but where did you ruthlessly go?
再次擁抱一分一秒都好
Embracing once more for only a minute or a second would be nice

你的笑你的好腦海裏一直在繞
Your smile and your good are constantly wrapped around my mind
我的手忘不了你手的溫度
My hands cannot forget the warmth of your hands
心碎了一地撿不回從前的心跳
I'm so heartbroken I can’t bring back the heartbeats from before
傷心過去我無力逃跑
I’m wistful about the past that I have no strength to flee

說再見才發現再也见不到
I say goodbye and I realize that I won’t be able to see you anymore
能不能就這樣忍著痛淚不掉
Will I be able to tearlessly bear my pain like this?
說好陪我到老又狠往哪裏走
You promised to accompany me to old age – but where did you ruthlessly go?
再次擁抱一分一秒都好
Embracing once more for only a minute or a second would be nice

because

2011-10-01T07:58:00.000-07:00

because of school i am missing out a lot on life.

because of school work i am missing a lot of sleep.

because of my family i am definitely NOT missing out on any stress.

because of a lot of things, i'm probably not living life as i should.

why the hell am i allowing these reasons to spoil my life.
i do not know.

2011-10-01T07:47:00.000-07:00

things are just not going my way.

but things don't always go your way.

that's the way things are.

life stinks like that.

it's not like we have a choice.

2011-09-29T08:53:00.000-07:00

I cannot stand some people. Maybe it's a misunderstanding and I probably don't understand you enough but... I really don't want to?

They think they're so smart (which is quite true), so smart that they have the rights to call people (who are actually more knowledgable) idiots (and I don't mean how you would call your friend idiot).

They think they're so good that they can challenge everything the profs say.

They think they're not irritating and like to whisper so agitatedly so loudly that I would rather they talk normally.

So what if you're smart. So what if you got the brains.
You piss me off and I don't wish I'll ever have to work with someone like you.

2011-09-28T06:59:00.001-07:00

Why is it so hard.

为什么那么困难.

왜 이렇게 어려워.

2011-09-27T21:44:00.001-07:00

Finally after 2 semesters. We are making 김밥 in class!

I remember how my teacher asked me if I don't help out in cooking at home cuz she said the way I was cutting my roll was dangerous. Haha duh obviously I'm not interested or whatsoever. :X